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The Fanfic with no Name (seriously there are no words for this)
Title: There are no words for this fanfic.
Fandom: TVXQ!, Dir en Grey, Super Junior, BoA, and SHINee if you look really close. (But mostly only the first three)
Pairing: Jaejoong/Kyo (TVXQ!/Dir en Grey) and slight Hanchul (Heechul/Hankyung) if you want.
Rating:PG-13? (kissing and some blood)
Warnings: Don't be fooled by the normal beginning, trust me this fanfic is weird.
Genre: CRACK, romance, comedy
A/N: I wrote this fanfic for my roommate who wanted to see two obviously very different people in a very odd relationship. However, she also demanded that there be other really weird things.
Summary: Jaejoong meets Kyo, Yunho and Heechul hang out, then they're attacked by weird old men.

“Jaejoong!! Please?!?” Yunho desperately clung onto the other man’s shirt, begging as if his life depended on it.

“Ah Yunho, you’re way closer to Heechul than I am. I’m just going to be a third wheel.” Jaejoong fought.

“No no! Really you won’t! I don’t want to suffer alone, please!” Yunho continued to pester Jaejoong. It was Heechul’s birthday in a few days and his favorite band Dir en Grey was having a concert in Tokyo. And, as the biggest Japanophile in the Korean Idol world, Heechul did not want to go alone and had demanded that Yunho go with him.

“Why can’t Heechul take that Hankyung boy with him? He’s such a push over when it comes to fulfilling Heechul’s whims.” Jaejoong asked. There was no way he was going to destroy his hearing for some short Japanese guy.

“Hankyung is in China now and cannot go. It’s very important.” Yunho explained and Jaejoong let out a sigh as he finally gave in. He used to hang out with Heechul a fair amount and knew how much of a handful the older boy could be. Besides, BoA would be in Tokyo that weekend and Jaejoong could always meet up with her.

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“Oh Yunho! Who knew that as super idols we get backstage passes after the concert!” Heechul exclaimed. Normally Heechul would have hidden his excitement, but this was just too much for him to contain. “Do you think they’ll play Obscure? That one is my favorite!”

“I don’t’ know, Heechul. We’ll have to wait.” Both TVXQ! members let out a groan. Tonight was going to be long and loud.

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On that night, the last thing Jaejoong would have expected was that Heechul had the ability to hook up with the management in order to schedule a drinking party with the members of Dir en Grey. However, after he learned that Heechul indeed had that ability there was no doubt in his mind as to why he had brought Jaejoong and Yunho along.

“Hey Jaejoong! Come here and translate for me” Heechul commanded. “Tell Kyo here that I really admire and love his singing and I want him to teach me his secrets.”
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and translated. He was getting pretty sick of Heechul’s fandom and fast. That was until he noticed that the man he was talking to was shorter than him… by a lot. His single eyelids expressed so much beauty and depth, and his face, untouched by the scalpel and so unlike the women in Korea was simply charming. Jaejoong could find himself falling deeper and deeper into adoration as he translated Heechul’s words of love and respect as if they were his own. The much older shorter man just nodded, hardened by the world, his cheeks permanently stained with the harshness of reality. His shirt was still stained with blood and smelled of sweat and vomit, but how it attracted Jaejoong so. Heechul squealed in excitement and Kaoru invited the three of them to the recording of their new music video, Saku. Inwardly, Jaejoong was also squealing.

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So Kyo was a little funny looking that day. They all were. After all, they did used to be a VK band and once you go visual it’s hard to go back. TVXQ! was visual in a way, the five were good looking but different. Their look was more natural while Kyo’s…

Kyo’s once unbearably noisy voice sounded like singing angels inside the sexy cochlea of Jaejoong and it sent shivers up his spine. After the filming and a few run-throughs, Jaejoong finally gathered enough courage to tell Kyo how nice the video would turn out. Kyo stared at him for a while before responding with the most unsocial thanks the boy had ever heard. Jaejoong asked for Kyo’s phone number, and hesitantly it was given to him. Jaejoong briefly capture’s Kyo’s gaze with his own before the older man walked away towards Heechul who was dragging Yunho over to translate all his praise and fanboy screams. Jaejoong stared at Kyo’s number as a smile blossomed on his face, so big that the Korean pop star was certain that even his hand wasn’t big enough to hide it.

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Jaejoong wasn’t going to be in Japan for much longer and he just had to call Kyo and confess his feelings to the older man. Of course Jaejoong was nervous, but he was determined to prevail in this endless fight of love. When Kyo finally arrived at their set destination, Jaejoong was stunned by his beauty. Kyo was wearing nothing fancy, just a shirt and pants, no makeup, and not even earrings. His simplicity stunned Jaejoong into silence. Kyo walked up to him and stared into Jaejoong’s eyes, large and wet like deep pools. Suddenly Jaejoong felt the shorter man’s lips on his own and Kyo wrapped his arms around the Korean man’s neck, pulling him in closer.

Just then a tall, sickly old man poured a keg of beer over the two new love birds. “Stupid kids!” He mumbled. As he tossed the keg to the side and stumbled off. That man was named Sushi. He had always been a big TVXQ! fan and had been stalking Jaejoong around for the past few months. But perhaps there was more to this old man than just TVXQ!. Little did Jaejoong know that something really weird was about to happen…

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“Hey Jaejoong…” Kyo called as he shyly approached the TVXQ! member, “I wrote you a poem.” Heechul and Yunho were getting drunk with Die and Toshiya as Shinya watched in horror.

“Really?” Jaejoong smiled amidst the drunken noise and took the paper in his hand. Trying his best to remember all the kanji that he had learned in his pre-Tohoshinki days, Jaejoong read the poem. “Um Kyo… this poem is kind of upsetting… is it about a girl who kills her boyfriend?”

“Well… I promised my fans that I would never write something happy…” Kyo looked away embarrassed at his inability to write something romantic.

“Well I love it anyway, Kyo.” Jaejoong grinned and he wrapped his arm around the Japanese man pulling him in for a tight embrace.

Just then Sushi jumped in, screaming and, with a knife, he stabbed Kyo in the stomach. Jaejoong screamed in horror as his lover’s blood splattered onto his cheeks. “You cannot belong to anyone but me Jaejoong!” The obviously senile old man chortled.

“Excellent work.” Said another elderly man as he approached the tragic scene that had been attracting much attention from the other Dir en Grey members, Yunho, and Heechul.

“Thank you Sashimi.” Sushi replied just as another grandpa approached him. This one was California Roll, the leader of the whole thing.

“Sushi don’t get your seaweed wrapped too tightly around your skull before the mission is completed.” California Roll barked and Sashimi fumbled over to grab a rope. “We must take the boy so that he may be ours forever.” Sushi and Sashimi, each grabbing one end of the rope walked over to Heechul. The Princess of Super Junior's gigantic eyes widened even further, confused more than ever, as the two old men started to tie him up. The oddly named men then picked Heechul up and passed him over to another man who was easily pushing 80.

“Heechul!!! Fight back!” Shouted Yunho as the princess was being dragged away by the geezers.

“No way!” Heechul screamed back, “I can’t hurt a bunch of old men! I have an image to think about!” The Dir en Grey members nodded in agreement and for once, Yunho thought, Heechul had a point.

“Sashimi, Sushi, California Roll; Unagi should be waiting for us in the back with the truck.” The new short elder ordered as he easily walked off, holding the anorexic Heechul with only one arm.

“Understood Wasabi” The Asian cuisine inspired men affirmed as they followed Wasabi out the window of the third story. Yunho and the rest of Dir en Grey ran to the window and looked out. There they saw Heechul’s kidnappers cheering victoriously in the back of the truck with who they assumed to be Unagi driving.

Then, a fat man in very revealing clothing stuck his head out of the passenger’s seat and shouted, “I am The Amazing Key! Sumo wrestler extraordinaire! Come and try save your gorgeous friend if you dare, but be aware I will not let you have him in the name of THE WITHERED PETALS!” The sumo wrestler let out a maniacal laugh as the truck sped off into the distance.

“What are The Withered Petals?” Toshiya asked to no one in particular.

“I’m not sure,” Shinya replied, “but the word ‘petals’ sounds like some kind of stupid name that a Korean flower boy would give to his fangirls.”

“KYO!!!!!!!” Jaejoong suddenly screamed pulling the bleeding man to him, sobbing.

“Yunho! I’m a type O! Hurry and slit my wrists so I can give Kyo my blood before he dies!!!” Jaejoong was reaching the point of utter hysteria.

“Jaejoong.” Kyo said calmly, sounding completely unharmed. “Don’t worry about me, really.” Kyo smiled and released himself from Jaejoong’s grip “See? I’m fine.” Kyo stated as he stood up and started to head out the door. Both Jaejoong and Yunho were complete flabbergasted and were even more so when Kyo beckoned Jaejoong to follow him. “Let’s get out of here,” he spitted, “this place is starting to weird me out.” Jaejoong, too stunned to speak, silently followed the older man out the door but not before Yunho heard Kyo mutter something about how being a professional self-mutilator paid off more often than one would think.

“What just happened…?” Die asked; clearly not sober enough to have understood the situation entirely. Or maybe it was that he wasn’t drunk enough. "I thought for sure they were going to go after Jaejoong."

"I guess Jaejoong was just a distraction...?" Kaoru was equally lost.

“Shouldn’t we save Heechul?” Shinya looked at Yunho, worry filling his eyes.

“No.” Yunho stood up dramatically. “This is going to take a lot more than the man power of the Japanese and the Koreans. We’re going to need the Chinese and the awesome power of their martial arts.”

“What do you mean?” Dir en Grey had focused all of their attention on Yunho now.

“I mean that this is a job only a Hankyung can handle.”